Part 2 of a longer reflection on self-reliance, inner state, and how we relate to reality.
The words I use
Before going further, I felt the need to look at the words I use every day: “self”, “reality”, “self-reliance”, “inner state”. What do they actually point to? What do I really mean when I use them?
Very quickly I noticed something: there is no single, clear definition of these words. There are only interpretations. What feels obvious stops being obvious the moment I look closer.
I can say:
“I know what it means to be conscious.” But can I explain what consciousness actually is?
Or how it works?
Knowing vs understanding
This is where I started noticing a difference: I often know more than I understand.
And this gap — between knowing and understanding — is where this part begins.
I’m not trying to define things perfectly. I’m trying to make them usable in my own experience.
Self-reliance (working definition)
When I talk about self-reliance, I don’t mean isolation. I don’t mean cutting myself off from people.
And I don’t mean independence at any cost.
I see it differently: as the ability to stay functional — physically, mentally, and intellectually —
without constantly leaning on other people’s beliefs, ready-made narratives, or emotional impulses. I don’t recognize it in what I say, but in how I act.
Especially when things are unclear, unstable, or uncomfortable.
Inner state (working definition)
I don’t see my inner state as a temporary mood. It feels more like a background. A kind of inner climate.
Thoughts and emotions appear inside it, but it stays. Even when I can’t name it clearly.
Over time, I started noticing something: this inner background affects my experience more than external circumstances.
The self
I went through many different interpretations of what the “self” is. I chose one that feels consistent with my experience — not as a final answer, but as a working model.
I see myself as a physical being that experiences, interprets, and acts. There are two dimensions I move in:
- an external, objective world
- and an internal, subjective one
My thoughts, emotions, and perceptions don’t appear from nowhere. They are responses.
Consciousness
I don’t see consciousness as something simple, like being “on” or “off”. It feels like something more. A capacity to notice what I experience.
Not just feeling anger — but knowing that I feel it.
Not just seeing — but being aware that I see.
This distance from my own experience might be one of the most important tools I have.
Reality and interpretation
If I experience the world, I have to ask: what is reality? I keep it simple.
Reality is what happens, independently of what I think about it.
At the same time, I never experience it directly. Only through interpretation. Through memory, perception, and past experience.
So I don’t live in reality itself —but in a version of it created in my mind.
When interpretation replaces reality
This difference matters. Because there are moments when interpretation starts replacing reality.
I’ve seen it clearly while working with people affected by dementia. They don’t lose the world. They lose access to it.
Their experience becomes more internal, less connected to what is actually happening. And this leads to something very real: a loss of independence.
Responsibility
So responsibility is not only about what I do. It’s also about how I interpret.
Self-reliance, for me, means: not only making decisions, but being ready to correct them.
To stay in contact with reality. Even when it’s uncomfortable.
What comes next
At this point, I’m still not trying to explain how the mind works. But one thing becomes clear:
if self-reliance is something real, and inner state is something stable, then I need to understand one thing:
how my mind predicts reality and creates my experience. And the question starts to change.
It’s no longer:
what do I feel?
But:
how does it happen that I feel this?
Next part, soon!
Pawel Kosinski
AI-assisted translation
You can find all English texts here:
👉 English
If you want to explore this in your own experience, you can find a simple space for that here:
Propasja 