This is the first part of a longer reflection about self-reliance, inner state, and how we relate to reality.
I’m not trying to explain things as an expert. I’m trying to understand them through my own experience. This is part of that process.
What seems obvious
For a long time, I thought these things were obvious. I’ve been living for decades — surely I should understand them. But when I started looking closer, those “obvious” things stopped being obvious. There is a difference between:
knowing something,
understanding it,
and knowing what that understanding is actually for.
These reflections are local. They are about me, my life, and my everyday experience. Maybe you will find something similar in yours.
How do I know what to do?
It started with a simple question: how do I know what to do?
I wake up, and I already know what should happen next. I move through my day as if it was already predicted. What decides that? Is it just a reaction to the external world?
Or is there something more?
And the question that keeps coming back: how much of this actually depends on me?
The inner background
There is something else I started noticing. Behind my thoughts and actions, there is always something deeper than just a momentary mood. A kind of inner climate. I call it my inner state. And in my experience, it changes everything.
I’ve been in different places, with different people, in different life situations. But when that inner state was off — everything else lost its meaning.
A beautiful view didn’t matter. Success didn’t feel like success.
Can this be worked on?
So I started seeing one thing clearly: if I don’t try to understand myself, I will end up living someone else’s ideas. Adopting ways of thinking that are not really mine.So I ask myself: do I really understand what I know?
And is it actually mine?
Inner authority
At some point, I started thinking about it as a form of authority. Not over others. But over myself. Not control — but direction.
External power is unstable. It always depends on circumstances. Inner authority works differently. It’s based on understanding, discipline, and self-work.
And this is the direction I choose.
Why this matters to me
Instead of trying to change others, I want to understand how I participate in my own experience. I’m not interested in collecting information. I’m interested in knowledge that can be lived.
Tested in real life. In relationships. At work. In everyday situations.
For one reason: to live more consciously and with a more stable inner state. Not by escaping life, but by staying steady inside it.
Next part, soon!
Pawel Kosinski
AI-assisted translation
You can find all English texts here: English
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